Banking in the BVI

You would think that if one lived in the Offshore Capital of the World, that the local (high street) banks would be quite good. 

Ur, no.

Not even close.

The local economy is still basically a cash one, we write cheques here for crying out loud. I hadn't had a cheque book for about 10 years before I came here. We do not have a local central bank clearing house so one cannot transfer money between banks, only within your own bank.  accounts in the same bank. So there's no EFT just wire transfer which costs about $80 as they go via New York, so one 'walks the money' - you literally have to take the physical cash and walk to the next bank and deposit it.

This is a true story of what happened with us trying to pay for our airplane tickets:

I think Caribbean retail banks must have YYY ratings from Moody's. They seem to be at the top of the risk calculator or bottom of the banking pile, whichever way one chooses to look at it. Probably all that money laundering supposedly. Unlike Switzerland, of course.

Even though we have been here almost 3 years, we still only have debit cards that masquerade as credit cards ie you deposit $100 cash in order to spend $100 on your 'credit' card. All very well until you need to make a $$$$ payment for airline tickets back to South Africa.

So off you go to your bank (yes, physically) and queue for a minimum of 30 minutes and transfer the $$$$ from your cheque account to your 'credit' card account in order to pay online, after days spent trolling the internet looking for anything that costs slightly less than a reasonably priced family saloon car.

"We've had to freeze you credit card account" the teller informs you briskly just as you have transferred your life savings into it.

"WTF" you say to the teller (except you don't, you'd be arrested) so you say "I'm sorry I don't understand? What have I done wrong?"  You just know the tickets have gone up another $95 per person (multiply by 5) as you try to be gracious. 

"You've over paid" says the Teller rather sternly, "you are not allowed to do this. Your 'credit' limit is only $ and if you overpay, since this is not allowed, we freeze everything over your $ limit".

No mention of any of this as you were actually doing the transfer.

"Gosh" you say (no you don't) "This is a unique concept that I am not acquainted with (anywhere in the world in fact). I have 'over paid'  my credit card and you have frozen my money? How do I unfreeze this and get my money back right now?" you hiss.

The long queue behind one shuffles. Cell phones ring . CNN drones in the background.

The teller consults with The Manager on Duty.  The 30 people behind you in the queue  (mentally) suck their teeth. One cannot blame them. Their tickets to St Vincent are probably also going up in multiples as I try to fathom BVI banking rules.

"I would like my money back" you say to the Manager on Duty, "Please unfreeze it  now.".

"I'm sorry" says the Manager on Duty "we cannot do that, as it is frozen. You tried to over pay your credit card, and this is not allowed".

One counts to 10. The air tickets go up another $95 per person. Times five.

"OK" you say. "I'm going to my Other-Bank-Across-the-Road. I have a Visa Debit card there. They will let me do it" and you cash a cheque for $$$$ which is then duly handed over in $10 bills. It fills one's entire bag. One appreciates how heavy and expensive Transatlantic air travel is these days. You run across the road to the Other Bank and queue for 30 minutes.

"What is the source of funds please?" asks the new teller as you try and deposit your bag of S10 bills. "Bank X" you say "wouldn't let me use my credit card blah blah blah". The Other Bank looks faintly sympathetic. "That won't be a problem" says Other Bank and one duly deposits all the $10 bills into your credit card account and then hotfoots it home back onto Expedia to find that your tickets have all gone up by $200 per person. A cool $1000 more.

"Damn" you say to yourself. Except you most definitely do not say this. Not even faintly. "I need to get out of here" and you pay the extra thousand bucks more and finally push the Complete button.

Lo & Behold the internet says "Sorry we have a problem with you credit card". What a surprise. Not. The transaction is refused.

"Damn" you say to yourself "damn damn damn" (except of course you most definitely do not say this). One needs a triple Brandy & Coke with a shot of Valium, on the side by this stage.

The phone rings. It's some lady in Barbados or Puerto Rico or somewhere to ask you if you've just tried to do a $$$$ transaction?

"Yes," you say "It is I. The money is there. I've just physically put it there. Is there a problem?"
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"Yes" says Polite Call Centre Lady "Other Bank is only authorized by the Federal Government to make transactions up to $X amount and you have exceeded this so we cannot authorize this".

"BUT" you say faintly hysterically "the money is there. I WALKED IT OVER. Why was I never told this? I really need to pay for these tickets" you beg pathetically, almost in tears.

"I'm sorry" say Polite Call Centre Lady (and she actually sounds genuinely upset - clearly very good call centre training) but "your bank is not authorized to make payments of this size. Ever. I'm very sorry".

"Blimey, that's a new one"  you think to yourself. Your bank is refused.  Can't really argue with that one.

Back you get into your car. Back to Other Bank (30 minutes in the queue) to draw out the $$$$ (this time in $20 bills) and back you run to original Bank A and stand in the queue again for 30 minutes.  More CNN. More crazeee cell phone ringtones of every description.

You ask to speak to your Bank Account Manager, through gritted teeth. The teller is trying not to smirk. You sob the whole long story to him. He looks vaguely sympathetic. He agrees to "unfreeze" you own money in your 'credit' card and allow a Once-Off payment. You offer him chocolate brownies for an entire year, you are that grateful.

The 'once-off transaction with a frozen account'  involves a cast of thousands from Toronto to Barbados with our poor Account Manager actually sitting at home online waiting for the transaction (the price had miraculously gone down by $100 per person by the time we paid) in order to manually authorize the payment.

Yebo. This is a true story. Happened yesterday.

Bet you'll appreciate Standard Bank a little bit more after this.